Actually Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers:

Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 Years Old. Hateful Little Dog. Bites.

Free Puppies: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 Sneaky Fence Scaling Neighbor’s Dog.

Free Puppies… Part German Shepherd, Part Stupid Dog.

German Shepherd 85 Lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.

Found: Dirty White Dog. Looks Like A Wet Rat… Been Out Awhile… Better Be A Reward.

1 Man, 7 Woman Hot Tub $850/Offer

Snow Blower For Sale … Only Used On Snowy Days.

Cows, Calves Never Bred… Also 1 Gay Bull For Sale.

Nordic Track $300 Hardly Used, Call Chubby.

Hummers Largest Selection Ever “If It’s In Stock, We Have It!”

Georgia Peaches, California Grown 89 Cents Lb.

Inherited: Nice Parachute, Never Opened Used Once.

Tired Of Working For Only $9.75 Per Hour? We Offer Profit Sharing And Flexible Hours. Starting Pay: $7-$9 Per Hour.

Exercise Equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs $175.

Sale By Owner: Complete Set Of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 Volumes. Excellent Condition. $1,000.00 Or Best Offer. No Longer Needed. Got Married Last Month. Wife Knows Everything

Note: The following message was sent out to nearly everyone in the mid-late 80s. It is still one of the greatest gags of all time…

The Invisible Killer

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

Dihydrogen Monoxide:

• is also known as hydroxyl acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
• contributes to the “greenhouse effect.”
• may cause severe burns.
• contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
• accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
• may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
• has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

Contamination Is Reaching Epidemic Proportions!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage in the midwest, and recently California.

Despite the Danger, Dihydrogen Monoxide is Often Used:

• as an industrial solvent and coolant.
• in nuclear power plants.
• in the production of styrofoam.
• as a fire retardant.
• in many forms of cruel animal research.
• in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.
• as an additive in certain “junk-foods” and other food products.

The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its “importance to the economic health of this nation.” In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use. Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

The Horror Must Be Stopped!

At one time this was the greatest prank going. When people received this message they started calling and writing their congressmen to get them to prevent the spread of this deadly substance. If you haven’t figured it out yet, this deadly substance is simply water. Go back and read it again…

Some thoughtful information for those who are daughters, were daughters, have daughters, intend to have daughters, or intend to date a daughter.

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, you may feel that we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like change the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

This is a collection of complaints about various aircraft submitted by U.S. Air Force pilots, and the replies to those complaints from Air Force Mechanics. Each complaint in the log book must be followed by the mechanics report and sign-off.

Problem: “Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.”
Solution: “Almost replaced left inside main tire.  

Problem: “Test Flight OK, except autoland very rough.”
Solution: “Autoland not installed on this aircraft.”  

Problem#1: “No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.”
Solution#1: “No. 2 propeller seepage normal.”
Problem #2: “No. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.”

Problem: “The autopilot doesn’t”
Solution: “It does now.”  

Problem: “Something loose in cockpit.”
Solution: “Something tightened in cockpit.”  

Problem: “Evidence of hydraulic leak on the right main landing gear.”
Solution: “Evidence removed.”  

Problem: “DME volume unbelievably loud.”
Solution: “Volume set to more believable level.”  

Problem: “Dead bugs on windshield.”
Solution: “Live bugs on order.”  

Problem: “Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.”
Solution: “Cannot reproduce problem on ground.”  

Problem: “IFF inoperative.
Solution: “IFF inoperative in OFF mode.”

Problem: “Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.”
Solution: “That’s what they’re there for.”  

Problem: “Number three engine missing.”
Solution: “Engine found under right wing after brief search.”

· In a safari park: “Elephants Please Stay in Your Car.”
· On a pamphlet: “If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.”
· At a repair shop: “We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door-the bell doesn’t work.)”
· In a health food store window: “Closed due to illness.”
· At a dry cleaner’s: “Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.”
· In a department store: “Bargain Basement Upstairs”

So you want a day off. Let’s take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be darned if you are going to take that day off!