“There is no in-between — you’re either good or bad. Today we’re in-between.” – soccer player Gary Lineker

Dispatcher: 911  Caller: Help! Help! Send the Police! I’ve been shot!  Dispatcher: You said you’ve been shot?  Caller: I’ve been shot!  Dispatcher: How many times were you shot?  Caller: This is the first time.” – actual call to 911

Customer: I can’t get my diskette out.  Tech support: Have you tried pushing buttons?  Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.  Tech support: That doesn’t sound good. I’ll make a note.  Customer: No… wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on my desk… sorry. – call to tech support

“On a scale of 1 to 10, I would say 60-65 percent.” NBA union rep talking about how far apart the union and the owners were in negotiations

“During the performance half of you were sleeping, half of you were talking, and the other half of you were flat out being rude!” – 7th grade math teacher to her class

“The sun has been there for 500, 600 years…” Mets outfielder Mike Cameron after teammate Carlos Beltran lost a ball in the sun during a game

“Reason for more bear sightings… More Bears” – newspaper headline

Lawyer: Now, doctor, which way would someone fall after receiving a twelve-gauge shotgun blast directly to the chest? Witness: Down. – courtroom testimony

“Show me the verbal agreement! Show me the verbal agreement!” – Sault Ste. Marie mayor

The latest ploy to drive the Taliban and Al-Qaeda out of the mountains of Afghanistan is to send in a team of Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). Billy Bob, Billy Ray, Bubba Ray, Joey, and Skinny Joey are being sent in with the following rules of engagement:

1. There is no limit.
2. The season opened last weekend.
3. They taste like chicken.
4. They don’t like beer, pickup trucks, country music or Jesus.
5. They don’t like barbecue.
6. They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt’s death.

Should be over in about a week.

THINGS THAT IRRITATE A SANE PERSON

• There are always one or two ice cubes that won’t pop out of the tray. 
• You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint. 
• The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing. 
• A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling. 
• You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am. 
• The radio station doesn’t tell you who sang that song. 
• You rub on hand cream and can’t turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

• Thoroughly clean the toilet. 
• Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted. 
• Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 
• In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any thing they can find. 
• Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power wash and rinse” which I have found to be quite effective. 
• Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door. 
• Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 
• The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself. 

Interesting how this math works out:

1 x 8 + 1= 9
12 x 8 + 2= 98
123 x 8 + 3= 987
1234 x 8 + 4= 9876
12345 x 8 + 5= 98765
123456 x 8 + 6= 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7= 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8= 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9= 987654321

1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111

9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888

Brilliant, isn’t it?

And look at this symmetry:

1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321
11111 x 11111 = 123454321
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
111111111 x 111111111 = 12345678987654321

Mind Boggling…
  
Now, take a look at this…

101%

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint:

What Equals 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been in situations where someone wants you to

GIVE OVER 100%…

How about ACHIEVING 101%?

What equals 100%in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O- R- K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And:

K-N-O-W-L-E- D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+ 5 = 96%

But:

A-T-T-I-T-U- D-E

1+20+20+9+20+ 21+4+5 = 100%

THEN, look how far the love of God will take you:

L-O-V-E-O-F- G-O-D
12+15+22+5+15+ 6+7+15+4 = 101%

Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:

While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, It’s the Love of God that will put you over the top!

Actually Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers:

Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 Years Old. Hateful Little Dog. Bites.

Free Puppies: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 Sneaky Fence Scaling Neighbor’s Dog.

Free Puppies… Part German Shepherd, Part Stupid Dog.

German Shepherd 85 Lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.

Found: Dirty White Dog. Looks Like A Wet Rat… Been Out Awhile… Better Be A Reward.

1 Man, 7 Woman Hot Tub $850/Offer

Snow Blower For Sale … Only Used On Snowy Days.

Cows, Calves Never Bred… Also 1 Gay Bull For Sale.

Nordic Track $300 Hardly Used, Call Chubby.

Hummers Largest Selection Ever “If It’s In Stock, We Have It!”

Georgia Peaches, California Grown 89 Cents Lb.

Inherited: Nice Parachute, Never Opened Used Once.

Tired Of Working For Only $9.75 Per Hour? We Offer Profit Sharing And Flexible Hours. Starting Pay: $7-$9 Per Hour.

Exercise Equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs $175.

Sale By Owner: Complete Set Of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 Volumes. Excellent Condition. $1,000.00 Or Best Offer. No Longer Needed. Got Married Last Month. Wife Knows Everything