“There is no in-between — you’re either good or bad. Today we’re in-between.” – soccer player Gary Lineker

Dispatcher: 911  Caller: Help! Help! Send the Police! I’ve been shot!  Dispatcher: You said you’ve been shot?  Caller: I’ve been shot!  Dispatcher: How many times were you shot?  Caller: This is the first time.” – actual call to 911

Customer: I can’t get my diskette out.  Tech support: Have you tried pushing buttons?  Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.  Tech support: That doesn’t sound good. I’ll make a note.  Customer: No… wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on my desk… sorry. – call to tech support

“On a scale of 1 to 10, I would say 60-65 percent.” NBA union rep talking about how far apart the union and the owners were in negotiations

“During the performance half of you were sleeping, half of you were talking, and the other half of you were flat out being rude!” – 7th grade math teacher to her class

“The sun has been there for 500, 600 years…” Mets outfielder Mike Cameron after teammate Carlos Beltran lost a ball in the sun during a game

“Reason for more bear sightings… More Bears” – newspaper headline

Lawyer: Now, doctor, which way would someone fall after receiving a twelve-gauge shotgun blast directly to the chest? Witness: Down. – courtroom testimony

“Show me the verbal agreement! Show me the verbal agreement!” – Sault Ste. Marie mayor

The latest ploy to drive the Taliban and Al-Qaeda out of the mountains of Afghanistan is to send in a team of Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). Billy Bob, Billy Ray, Bubba Ray, Joey, and Skinny Joey are being sent in with the following rules of engagement:

1. There is no limit.
2. The season opened last weekend.
3. They taste like chicken.
4. They don’t like beer, pickup trucks, country music or Jesus.
5. They don’t like barbecue.
6. They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt’s death.

Should be over in about a week.

THINGS THAT IRRITATE A SANE PERSON

• There are always one or two ice cubes that won’t pop out of the tray. 
• You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint. 
• The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing. 
• A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling. 
• You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am. 
• The radio station doesn’t tell you who sang that song. 
• You rub on hand cream and can’t turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

• Thoroughly clean the toilet. 
• Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted. 
• Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 
• In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any thing they can find. 
• Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power wash and rinse” which I have found to be quite effective. 
• Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door. 
• Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 
• The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself. 

Actually Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers:

Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 Years Old. Hateful Little Dog. Bites.

Free Puppies: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 Sneaky Fence Scaling Neighbor’s Dog.

Free Puppies… Part German Shepherd, Part Stupid Dog.

German Shepherd 85 Lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.

Found: Dirty White Dog. Looks Like A Wet Rat… Been Out Awhile… Better Be A Reward.

1 Man, 7 Woman Hot Tub $850/Offer

Snow Blower For Sale … Only Used On Snowy Days.

Cows, Calves Never Bred… Also 1 Gay Bull For Sale.

Nordic Track $300 Hardly Used, Call Chubby.

Hummers Largest Selection Ever “If It’s In Stock, We Have It!”

Georgia Peaches, California Grown 89 Cents Lb.

Inherited: Nice Parachute, Never Opened Used Once.

Tired Of Working For Only $9.75 Per Hour? We Offer Profit Sharing And Flexible Hours. Starting Pay: $7-$9 Per Hour.

Exercise Equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs $175.

Sale By Owner: Complete Set Of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 Volumes. Excellent Condition. $1,000.00 Or Best Offer. No Longer Needed. Got Married Last Month. Wife Knows Everything

Note: The following message was sent out to nearly everyone in the mid-late 80s. It is still one of the greatest gags of all time…

The Invisible Killer

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

Dihydrogen Monoxide:

• is also known as hydroxyl acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
• contributes to the “greenhouse effect.”
• may cause severe burns.
• contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
• accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
• may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
• has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

Contamination Is Reaching Epidemic Proportions!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage in the midwest, and recently California.

Despite the Danger, Dihydrogen Monoxide is Often Used:

• as an industrial solvent and coolant.
• in nuclear power plants.
• in the production of styrofoam.
• as a fire retardant.
• in many forms of cruel animal research.
• in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.
• as an additive in certain “junk-foods” and other food products.

The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its “importance to the economic health of this nation.” In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use. Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

The Horror Must Be Stopped!

At one time this was the greatest prank going. When people received this message they started calling and writing their congressmen to get them to prevent the spread of this deadly substance. If you haven’t figured it out yet, this deadly substance is simply water. Go back and read it again…